Romance is an exciting and often short relationship between two people who love each other. Sometimes we hear of whirlwind romances that happen very suddenly and quickly. When you are in love, even a phone call could send you quivering with excitement.
Very often you go on impromptu picnics. Then you experience your cheeks flushing, heart racing and sweaty palms. And then you get married to your beloved. After some time, mortgage payments roll in and household expenses soar and you find your romance disappearing. You are not alone in this predicament. Most married couples say they have no strategy for working romance into their lives.
What has happened to their lives? Do wedding bells doom them to trudge through life sans romance? However, with a little bit of energy and imagination, they can re-capture romantic love. To start with you should try to break the rules. For instance, routine kills romance because you get bored easily. That is why people love surprises and adventures. If your married life is in a rut, try something new.
It is true that married couples have no time for romance when they have children. Still you can look for a romantic outing if you make arrangements for someone else to look after them.
Some married couples do this occasionally to rekindle their romantic love. How nice to enjoy a candlelight dinner at a faraway hotel? Some partners may not like such an arrangement. However, you should keep on experimenting with novel ideas.
Be passionate
You can be passionate when the urge strikes. Michele Weiner-Davis, the author of ‘Woman’s guide to changing her man’ says couples have to reschedule their time for intimate moments. In a big family, it may be a daunting task to find the time for a romantic outing. For this purpose, you have to protect that precious time from all intrusions. You have to overcome another problem. That is the lack of connection during the day.
In a family where both partners work at two different places, finding time for a romantic outing can be extremely difficult. If you do not talk to your partner or not spend time together, the problems will get more and more complicated. Psychologist Lonnie Barbach says you have to connect emotionally to maintain a healthy relationship. One method to get over the problem is to help your partner in whatever he or she does. If the wife is preparing dinner, the husband can look after the children. Even the wife can help her husband in his work.
It is a common sight to see husbands and wives living in two different places due to unavoidable circumstances. They should find time to meet and spend time together if the marriage is to survive. Having a definite time to be together will improve any marriage. Once I met a man who said he had a date with his wife during the weekend. He must be a wonderful husband.
We are living in difficult times. Yet, we have a duty to preserve the sanctity of our marriage. Intimate communication between married couples is really necessary to maintain romance. This is not something difficult to do if the couples resolve to make a success of their marriage.
Read your partner’s mind
How many spouses can read their partners’ mind? Sometimes spouses may not say what they really need in so many words. Very often you expect the other person to guess what you need. If you did not guess it right, you would be disappointed.
In certain marriages, partners try to figure out what would please the other. If this does not happen, partners will have to express their desires openly. If you check out what you think the other expects, it will be a great revelation.
Listening is an important part of communication. Sometimes, husbands do not listen to their wives and vice versa. If you listen to your partner carefully, you will realise what the other person needs. It will heighten your passion and you will be able to overcome certain impediments to your romantic adventures.
Marriage is not at all what romantic lovers imagine it to be. Marriage is an institution founded upon an instinct to be successful. It requires not only physical attraction, but also will power, patience and willingness to understand the other person.
Two types of love
Researchers have theorised that there are two types of love: passionate love and companionate love. Passionate or romantic love represents a state of intense absorption in someone you like. It includes intense physiological arousal, psychological interest and caring for the needs of another person. This is clearly seen in a marriage based on passionate love.
In contrast, companionate love is the strong affection we have for those with whom our lives are deeply involved. The love we feel for our parents, family members and even some close friends falls into this category.
Is romance a necessary ingredient in a successful marriage? In certain countries such as the United States, romance is an integral part of marriage. It is considerably less important in other cultures. Sometimes men get married to women whose parents offer big dowries. In such a marriage, romance takes a back seat.
Brain systems
Romance in marriage is not a novel concept. In fact, there are at least three independent, but inter-related brain systems at play. To untangle love’s mysteries, neuroscience distinguishes between neural networks for attachment, caregiving and sex. Each is fuelled by a differing set of brain chemicals and hormones. Attachment determines who we turn to for succour. They are the people we miss the most when they are absent. Caregiving gives us the urge to nurture the people for whom we feel most concern. When we are attached through a marriage bond, we cling to each other. When we are caregiving, we simply provide what other people need.
Attachment through marriage provides the glue that keeps not just a couple, but a whole family together and caregiving adds the impulse to look after children. Each of these three strands of affection connects people in different ways. When attachment entwines with caring and sexual attraction, we can enjoy full-blown romance. However, if any of these three brain systems goes missing, romance in marriage stumbles.
After marriage, there is no necessity to give up romance. You need at least a modicum of romance to keep the marriage strong and healthy.
