Do men choke up at sad films? Do they hug complete strangers when they are swept away by excitement? Do they suffer immensely when a relationship ends? These are difficult questions to answer because they are shrouded in myths.
New psychological research shows that a man’s emotional life is as complex as that of a woman. However, there is some mystery surrounding the issue. For instance, most people believe that emotions belong to women more than men. A study on 500,000 adult men in the United States rated their emotional awareness just as high as in women.
When a relationship ends women seem to suffer more than men. However, husbands are also attuned to their wives’ stress levels. In a way, both men and women behave in a similar manner. They sigh, cry, rejoice, rage and pout. Men do not do so publicly. They hide their feelings to a great extent and sigh, cry, or rage privately. Some of them seek the help of alcohol. But women sigh, cry, or rage openly without resorting to alcohol. So the truth is that men and women express their emotions quite differently.
Psychologist Josh Coleman says, “Testosterone affects feelings in men who compartmentalise and intellectualise more than women.” On the other hand, women are more in touch with their emotions while men are working at them. The common target of both men and women in distress is to achieve some degree of happiness.
Male brain
We have seen men who have achieved high goals in life. They have well-paid jobs, adoring wives and children. At one point of their lives, they flounder. They lose their jobs, break away from their wives and children.
According to psychologists, all this is due to their male brain. David Powell, President of the International Centre for Health Concerns says, “Men are hard-wired differently. The connection between the left brain, home of logic and rights, the seat of emotions, is more powerful in women. As a result, women move steadily between the right and left brains. On the other hand, the connection between the right and left brains in men is like a meandering country lane.”
In another respect, men are less accurate in interpreting signs of body language and facial expressions than women. They also react less intensely to emotions and forget them quickly in their hectic lives. In an experiment at Stanford University, it was found that photographs of trauma triggered greater activity in the female brain. Even after a few weeks they remembered the details. Unlike men, they do not forget emotional issues easily.
Contrary to popular belief, men suffer more than women after a divorce. However, they do not show their feelings outwardly. Women, on the other hand, show their emotions quite openly. I have seen men crying after divorcing their wives, but women wrongfully think that men are a heartless lot in society. The difference can be discerned quite early in life.
Vulnerability
Young boys make less eye contact than girls and pay more attention to moving objects such as cars and planes. When there is a family problem, mother usually talks to her daughter than her son. This is because boys are not bothered about emotional issues. Daughters, however, take it upon themselves the duty of listening to their mother and finding a solution. Quite early in life boys learn how to choke back tears. Their faces are not so expressive like those of girls.
Boys and even adult males use fewer words than females. Women talk over issues and try to find solutions. They talk to their elders and friends when there is a family problem. Men are reluctant to do so because their brains work differently. Women talk to clear their heads, but men tend to think before they talk. They fear making a stupid remark or offending another person. What lies behind a man’s silence is, perhaps, his vulnerability. Most men feel more insecure than women. As a noted psychologist has put it, “Inside every man there is a secret fear that he lacks competence and courage.”
A man knows how to fix when something breaks down, but when it comes to emotions, he is powerless. Strangely, women expect men to do their role models. However, most men are unable to live up to their wives’ expectations.
Men lose their tempers very often. This happens when they do not develop themselves and learn how to control their emotions. Modern psychologists show how men could become more emotionally expressive. One method is to develop a creative outlet such as playing a musical instrument or painting. Such activities will tap into a man’s soul. Another way is to use exercise to release stress and anger. You can start with feelings you can control.
There are some ways women can handle men who lose their tempers. They should avoid face-to-face arguments because such activities make men confrontational. If possible, do some physical activity such as walking or cycling together. When you do so, a man’s defences come down. If you notice that your husband is in a bad mood, let him open up if he wants to. Never press him. Wives should let their husbands know what they want instead of pestering.
One of the biggest differences between men and women is how they cope with stress. As Dr John Gray says, “Men become increasingly focused and withdrawn while women become increasingly overwhelmed and emotionally involved. A man feels better by solving problems while a woman feels better by talking about problems. If you do not know this vital truth, it may lead to unnecessary friction in the family.
Coping with stress
Today, most women fail to understand how a man copes with stress. They expect their husbands to open up and talk about their problems. However, a man gets stuck in his cave and a woman resents his attitude. She feels hurt and neglected when he goes out for a walk. It is rather unrealistic to expect a man to come out of his cave and discuss problems. When a man is in his cave, he forgets all his family problems. Sadly, men do not realise the gravity of the problem women are faced with.
To understand how big boys react to problems there should be increased cooperation between men and women. When a man is in his cave, a woman should understand his situation. Similarly, a man should not ignore the feelings of his wife. He should be more aware that a woman would talk about past problems, future problems and even problems that have no solutions. That is her nature. To expect otherwise is to deny a woman her sense of self.
When you are upset, it is difficult to communicate with another person. At times like these, women should not blame men and make them feel guilty. To be successful in your relationships, you must accept and understand the difference in seasons of love as well. Sometimes love flows easily and automatically. At other times it requires effort. On certain days, our hearts are full and at other times, they are empty.
The fundamental truth is that big boys do not cry because they are males. Big girls cry because they are females. If you understand this basic truth, you will never wonder why big boys do not cry.
